Definition: An ornamental vase used for storing the ashes of the dead after cremation.
Description: Did your cremated loved one have more of Jacob rather than Bob (Marley) in them before departing? Give them a second shot at celebrating that holiday and a myriad of other seasonal celebrations. We have a variety of choices spanning most of the popular religions and several cults. We’ve recently added a secular line and an extra something special for the atheist in your hall closet. Each set comes with removable copper and nickel containers so you can swap them out whole or in six measured parts. The kids can hunt grandma for Easter since she never came over before she died. (Funnel and scoops for initial loading are also included.)
Tale behind it: Some freaking switch flips on people after a certain age and they go through a Death Obsession phase, calling their kids and friends, telling them how they want their mortal remains disposed of. My mother, oh, about six months after my father died of a heart attack, began hijacking every conversation with the doomsday drone.
Mom: “Funerals are expensive. I just want to be cremated and, when you have time, scatter my ashes somewhere that no one will mind.”
Me: “Don’t farmers use ashes in fertilizer mix? We could recycle you.”
Mom: “I’ve left your sister in charge of my estate. I don’t have much, but it’s enough to cremate me.”
Me: “Are you coming down for Thanksgiving this year?”
Mom: “I haven’t decided, yet. I will probably be going to your sisters’ house like I always do.”
(We’ve pretty much established that I am the only member of my family who likes my husband Dave. He’s an acquired taste.)
Me: “You know, mom. After you die, I’m definitely having you cremated. I’m not going to spread your ashes though. I’m keeping them. I’m putting your ashes into Christmas ornaments to hang on the tree and Easter Eggs so the kids can hunt you down. After death, you will be spending every holiday with me. You can plan on being a firecracker on the fourth of July. Seasonal Urns”
Mom: “You’re serious.”
Me: “As a heart attack.”
(Not exactly what we said, but close.)
Definition: Cloth bag filled with stuffing to support a reclining head.
Description: Most home décor gifts end up in the Charity bin or the closet. Give a gift they will keep out on display, close enough to foul the very air they breathe. Each pillow case is hand made lace over watered silk, stuffed with whatever makes them sneeze or break out in hives. (Disclaimer: If they die? It’s on you. Email us and we may give you $$ off on a Seasonal Urn set if you have proof the pillow killed them.) We offer cat or Dog fur, horse hair, dried strawberries, Orange Blossoms or Melaleuca blossoms and goose down infested with mites. We can accommodate most custom fills if you give us enough time. Just tell us what they are allergic to.
Tale behind it: I inherited a Himalayan cat named Andi from my grandmother which is a high maintenance feline to say the least. My husband was less than thrilled with the new addition. Summer came and I decided to get Andi a “Lion Cut”. Basically the cat looks like a poodle when ejected from the groomers table.
Husband: “Your cat has leprosy.”
Me: “Only humans and Armadillos can get Leprosy. Andi got a lion cut.”
Husband: “What did they do with all the hair?”
Me: “I asked them to keep it for me to make a pillow for your side of the bed.”
Husband: “You are one sick individual.”
Me: “I am into crafts and I recycle. I’m just your basic American housewife.”
Definition: Something that is pleasant or appealing in a light or frivolous way
Description: Not just any candy - - a year’s worth of candy. The Candy-A-Day is delivered directly to the intended victim. Is your pencil thin boss addicted to chocolate? Would she forgo all food for a day if she so much as whiffs a Dove bar? Is Godiva her ultimate downfall? Pay for delivery of Godiva chocolates to her desk. At first, she’ll be gushing. She’ll torture you by debating out loud who her secret admirer could be. Then, the pounds will start creeping on and her wardrobe budget will be busting wide open at the seams. Your imagination can take it from there …
Tale behind it: Honestly? I just wanted to figure out a way to really kill people by chocolate. I’m weird that way.
Definition: Men's underwear shorts characterized by loose fit
Description: Bra under wire set off the security alarm at Miami International? Go through a humiliating secondary search as your guy alternated between laughing and griping that you’re were going to miss their flight because you’re “busty”. There are drawbacks to being busty. This is one of them. Give that special person in your life soft-as-silk, runs-like-water-through-your-fingers steel chain mail laid into the seams of real silk boxers – the heavy, burnished weave –hangs perfectly when worn and sets off every metal detector on the planet. Unless you tell the wearer that there is chain mail mesh in the seams, he’ll never know
Tale behind it: I got sued for this one so ... not say’n nuth’n until the statute of limitations runs the hell out.
Definition: A rich cake containing nuts, dried or candied fruit, and spices
Description: This ancient cake has been passed from relative to relative for centuries. We include a cute card describing the long list of past victims (er … Um … recipients) along with its origins. [Warning: Not for human consumption.]
Tale behind it: I cook once a freaking year. Since I was twelve, I have made batches of cookies and treats that have neighbors beating down the door to get their baskets. One year, I branched out and attempted a fruit cake.
Husband: “Jesus, Cindy. You could kill someone with this stuff.”
Granted, it was a brick. I contemplated beaning his head with a hefty slice and the idea of killing someone with a fruit cake fermented. I pictured the fruitcake of death being re-gifted decade after decade. And. There you have it.
Definition: Interlacing yarn or thread in a series of connected loops with needles in the form of something usable.
Description: Criticized for not putting enough time and effort into those dime store disasters you gave last year? Give a hand made bit of knitting and tell them you made it yourself. Trust me. No one will ever suspect you bought it on purpose.
The spirit of giving is all about guilt. You’ve probably received gifts every year purchased from dollar stores, re-gifted from some ancient aunt’s mail order reject pile, or lovingly hand crafted by one of your disgruntled younger relatives. These treasured loved ones deserve something hand-made by you! Shop the Russian roulette bin here at Revenge Gifts and we will send you items knit by prison inmates. Your recipient will spend countless happy hours trying to figure out what it is and then be forced to wear it … somehow … at your next family get-together. Don’t forget to ask how they like it! And be sure to tell them you picked that [color, yarn, pattern] especially for them
Each piece is a unique conversation piece guaranteed to mortify the recipient. We provide the yarn and supplies. Incarcerated minds think up the patterns and styles.
No returning it because it doesn’t fit.
Each piece unique.
Itchy wool? Add $10.
Generic Gift box and wrapping included.
Shipping and tax included.
Tale behind it: This really isn’t my story to tell so I’m leaving out names. I met and made friends with a woman in Puerto Rico. We’d been friends for about two years when I finally asked her ….
“When did you learn how to knit?” She knitted like a fiend. She was fast and her stuff was gorgeous.
“I learned in prison.”
I was expecting to hear that her mother or grandmother taught her to knit when she was twelve. I was NOT expecting to hear that she had killed her ex-husband because he refused to deal with her broken pipes in the basement, ended up spending six years in Bedford and was part of a group of women who convinced the Knitting Pattern companies to supply the inmates with materials and test patterns to try out before the patterns were put out on the market. The items the inmates knit were usually given to charity or as gifts to children and grandchildren visiting the prison. Heart warming. I knew the second I saw that shawl on Martha Stewart when she departed Bedford where it had come from. Of course, at that point I had to screw with it. And thus, Prison Knitting was born.
Definition: An assembly of electromagnetic radiation of any wavelength and traveling in a vacuum with a speed of about 186,281 miles (300,000 kilometers) per second; specifically : such radiation that is visible to the human eye, in this case from space during the holiday season.
Description: Neighbors bitching because you never decorate with lights? Or, did they mock your half-assed efforts at a holiday display last year? Let us decorate your house with a light show that’s certain to make them think twice before giving you a hard time ever again.
Tell us your story. Really. We want to hear it. Our revenge experts will analyze your situation and design a light show that can be seen from space. We’ll even set the timer for you. All you’ll have to do is set it so it will shine into your neighbors' bedroom window or some other revenge expert recommended locale and you’re good to go. We recommend you leave on vacation before this sucker kicks on.
Please include a few snapshots of your home for us so we can determine maximum effect. Sizes and prices vary according to customer needs. You probably can’t afford it, but you can’t afford not to buy this light display if your neighbors are anything like ours.
Please send us a few pictures of your home, your address, political leanings and those of your neighbors, and tell us a bit about last years holiday display disaster. Don’t get carried away. We are not here to sympathize. We are here to help you get even.
Once we’ve looked it over, we’ll give you a call with our design specifications and a quote.
All lights have been approved for use at airports for landing jets
A heat-resistant foil backing protects your irises from burning out.
Timers are powered by lithium long-life batteries so power outages (possibly caused by your light display) will not lose your timer settings.
No profane messages, but we reserve the right to quote hated political figures if the situation is warranted
Tale behind it: I and my neighbors have issues.
Definition: A grouping of dismembered stalks from the part of a seed plant that normally bears reproductive organs, given to unsuspecting recipients for various reasons.
Description: Need a quick table topper for a festive visit? Order a revenge arrangement designed by Chanté’s Creations.
Chanté’s Creations pulls together beautiful tropical flowers and greenery. Spanish Stopper (smells like skunk) provides the base greenery and sometimes we get creative with allergy inducing plants for fun.
Someone in the house allergic? Tell us and we’ll try to special order the offending greenery for your floral arrangement.
Small cooled container at center for palmetto bug. (Add $5) As the house heat warms the flowers, the palmetto bug gets active! Fun for the dinner table. It’s a great conversation piece over dessert.
Item delivered to purchaser. You hand deliver to hostess.
Tale behind it: I have no idea what was going through my head when I came up with this one. Alcohol was probably involved.
Definition: Bubble wrap is a pliable transparent plastic material commonly used for packing fragile items
Description: Like someone? Hate someone? This gift will cover all the bases! We have our local artist draw a caricature of the loathed one and we transfer that in miniature to the bubbles for popping!
If you just plain hate them, give them pre-popped bubble wrap. And, if you love them, let us transfer a caricature of a hated boss, ex, etc onto un-popped bubble wrap to give your loved one hours of popping fun!
Special Boxes available for the seriously sick and twisted.
Each gift comes with original artwork drawn by local artists of your chosen object of loathing. Burn it in a voodoo ritual, shred it, or send it back to us for Santaria sanitation if you think it might be cursed (no extra charge for paranoia — we can relate).
10 by 10 foot sheet, artfully displayed.
Bonus: Small, Pre-popped piece just to make your point to that freak in your office who giggles like a demented fiend popping bubble wrap every time they get a package in the mail.
Extra sheets $30 each when ordered with original.
Tale behind it: My former editor’s head is shaped perfectly for a bubble on a bubble wrap. That pretty much covers where that idea originated.